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It is her eyes that I love, I think;
Her face is a haze as I walk the streets in the evening.

Once, those same eyes looked at me from
a ruffled cloud where her head lay,
the beads of sweat on her forehead
Glistening like stars underneath the night-shadow of me.

Alone with a drink, it made for a fine recollection.

I remember I had seen her long, black hair,
Like the shadow cast by an angel,
Once, on a stranger.

Once, those strands held me in rapture
As I walked beside her.
The streets in the evening gave way to her image.

The world is not a selfish being, indeed;
It has given me many chances to love.
Too many women have I seen, their common parts
Having received my affection (from far away)...


It has left me more nights to walk.
A writing exercise for myself. I hope to be able to find inspiration as I go.
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:iconsoaki:
soaki Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2008
I like the nostalgic feel of the whole poem. The way the narrator described the beautiful features of the woman he loved was strange and yet still oddly romantic. I especially liked how you described the woman's hair.

'Like the shadow cast by an angel.'

I don't know what it is about the poem, but I think the narrator is silently contemplating a failed relationship, and as he does so, many others come to mind and he realizes that he's lucky despite having lost them because of the many chances he has had at love.
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:iconkeikisboy:
KeiKiSBoy Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2008
Beautiful imagery in the poem.
The word 'Once' in the 4th and 5th stanzas, how it is used at the end of one stanza and repeated on the following one, bothers me a bit.
It's as if I expect a certain pattern or technique, but when I look at it as a whole, it doesn't seem to have a repetitive technique.
Is there a structure that you're following?
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:iconberamonde:
beramonde Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
I repeated it to make it look like the persona remembered something from the previous thought. No pattern in this poem whatsoever, though.

Something like, "I like food," and then going, "I remember the time when I ate this really great steak..."
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:iconsubakunokasai:
subakunokasai Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2008
love it... you're very talented...
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:iconneko-06:
Neko-06 Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2008   Writer
:O OMG that was... amazing... you've improved infinitely since i last read anything of yours.... a long time ago, i know.
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:icondraecana:
draecana Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
i like that this poem doesn't have a set meter or rhyme scheme. i think it's very well written.
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:icontehshush:
TehShush Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2008
Quite beautiful indeed, I loved it. Is it based on an actual person you know/saw?
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:iconberamonde:
beramonde Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah, sort of. :XD:
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:icontehshush:
TehShush Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2008
^___^ (Whoo, I'm going to the Philippines for a few weeks. I'll be staying in Cebu, any suggestions as to what to do while I'm there?)
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:iconberamonde:
beramonde Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Hm. Try checking out the beaches there. Might take a boat ride to get to one (sorry, I can't remember the details). A Google search should be helpful. XD
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:icontehshush:
TehShush Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2008
I heard you have to pay to go to the beach, *worried* is it expensive?
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:icontehshush:
TehShush Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2008
Wish me luck, it sounds like I'll need it. ^^; I hope I can find a decent beach near the hotel, I haven't been to a good one in ages.
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:iconberamonde:
beramonde Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Nah, it shouldn't be. There are a lot of cheap alternatives to everything there, so it's all a matter of finding them and knowing your way around.
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:iconxxsmarklesxx:
XxsmarklesxX Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2008
Well, as I'm not much of a writer myself I cannot exactly offer 'advanced critique', but I must say it is a beautiful poem. Good job. ^^
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